Feeling up the Creek Without…

The past few weeks have felt kind of okay in a flat, not really enjoying it a lot of the time kind of way. My ex has been on my mind. I don’t like having him living so close to me. He is a clear and present danger to me in so many ways.

Then, today, I am reading my FB stuff and I find a picture of him at a party, playing guitar and singing. I know it sounds completely awful, but I wanted to tell him what I have been doing for the whole almost three years since we parted. I have been waiting for one of us to die, and that cleared up into me waiting for him to die.

When I heard he was in bad shape, I wasn’t happy about it; I’m not a completely cold bitch. When I saw him stand and reach out for me, it freaked me out though I did not freak out in front of him and his friend. Seeing him playing guitar hit me hard because we were musical partners for 15 years. I worked very hard to sing and play up to his standards. He was always patronizing at best. He criticized me in front of groups we played for and when he asked to see my songs, I gave him my manuscripts, and he left them on his table in the living room, then they fell to the floor. He never opened the folder.

He wanted a lot from me, and I gave everything I had, in so many ways. I kind of wish I was dead again. But what I really want is to not have him anywhere in my life, and that means cutting myself off even further from the people we both know. It’s hard beyond my ability to communicate.

I wrote this for a couple of FB friends this evening:

I am feeling really depressed right now. For those of you who find I am too negative, I can only say that if you are not interested in what is going on, I don’t know why you have me as a friend here on FB or anywhere else for that matter.

All I have wanted the last few years was to feel accepted and safe. I’ve been through too much crap to want to be with people who try to control me. I had enough of that from my foo family and some persons in my adult life. If you tell me you don’t want to hear about my hurts and my struggles I will stay away from you.

I’ve tried not to be a blemish in people’s fair lives. I have left many places where I was told I was welcome but it turned out I was only being tolerated. I don’t know when, if ever, I will cease being depressed and anxious. These things are likely conditions I’ve had since childhood.

Most of the time I don’t mind being alone, as I am generally good company to myself. But other times I need to talk about the things that bother me, and being told I shouldn’t strikes me as cold. I don’t want to be told what to do or how to do it unless I ask.

Tonight is the first time I cried since the middle of November. That’s pretty good. Now I’m feeling really unhappy about a number of things that have happened today, last year, and a couple of years ago. I am not about to apologize for being who I am.

Maybe some day I will learn to be like this little poem I wrote when I was a young teen:

You cut the grass
It grows again
It never seems
To mind the pain

Someday I hope
It comes to pass
That I might be
Just like the grass

But, you know, that’s not really a thing to aspire to. Sometimes I think that being a vegetable might be a thing to think about. Some have wished me dead. I’ve tried so hard to build a life with meaning beyond pain. It seems that nobody wants to give me the time of day other than my therapist. I’m supposed to get better and not be a bummer.

I’ve lost almost everything I loved in the last few years. It hurts!
I lost my mind, I lost my physical health as well, and even doctors
have hurt me. I want to be able to trust people who say they are my friends. I ought to be able to trust my doctors.

What is left of my family I cannot rely on. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to roll up in a tight ball and disappear.

End of that.

I am going to bed early; I’ve been a little short on Z’s this last week, which hasn’t helped at all. I appreciate that some of you are reading the stuff I write. my poems have been put in a file, one of these days I’ll dig one up and put it here. I feel so tired out in so many ways.

 

 

 

 

 

Stymied

It’s been quite awhile since I wrote anything on this site. I’ve been processing some of the individual traumas I lived through with the help, of course, of my therapist.

The other thing was seeing my ex after 2 1/2 years for the first time. I had learned that he was unable to walk, play, guitar or use a computer because of some kind of stroke or other cerebral event. All the hard work I have done has allowed me to overcome anger and forgive him. I wanted to see him just long enough to have closure.

I was shocked when he rose from the chair he was in and walked towards me holding out his arms for an embrace.

Then I caught him by the arms at his elbows, holding him off. I told him what I just wrote, and that I had never stopped loving him. He asked for my phone number, which I gave him. Later I regretted that, but as I thought he would, he lost it, so I never heard from him until six weeks later, when he phoned my friends in Winnipeg looking for my phone number. I called him back and he proved how scrambled he is by asking me what I had been up to for the last couple of years.

In a very controlled voice I told him that I had lost almost everything I loved in the last couple of years. He said “Thank you for calling.”. I think I handled that well enough. It was unsettling to see him in person that one time, and more unsettling to have him calling Canada while I was there.

I have gotten over the anger I felt at his trivializing what happened to me before and after things came unglued four years ago. Something in me closed like a steel door when he asked me what I had been up to; I realized that I did not want to share my struggle to get over him and build a new life. I’ve been keeping an even keel (pretty much) since then.

The holidays are being subdued but enjoyable. Tonight was the first time I wept in over a month. I fight the urge to see my ex or talk to him. I worry about his happiness and his health. I never stopped loving him. But trying to have any kind of conversation with him at this point would be pointless as he just doesn’t see reality anymore except in short bursts and becomes paranoid and agitated and disassociated. The kindest thing I can do is stay away from him.

The person who helped arrange the visit had told me, “He couldn’t have hit you THAT hard.” when I spoke about some of the brain dysfunction I suffer. That kind of typifies the attitudes of  many of the people who know us both, and explains neatly why I don’t go in that circle any more.

My therapist was bang on when she told me that no one who knew us both would ever understand what I went through.

Monday I get to have an MRI to see how my brain tumor, etc. is doing. I wrote it a lullaby for it shortly after being diagnosed in September 2014. Its called My Little Tumor. I’ll post the words in here sometime.

And I promise to prepare a draft or two of my other writings as well.

 

 

 

 

 

The Man

My children and myself were out on our front steps one late morning in fall playing with the dog and talking, when a man came by on the sidewalk. This individual had very obviously suffered some kind of illness or injury that left him needing support for balance in order to remain upright.
 
Every day regardless of weather, whenever I was out there, I would see him pass, though usually on the other side of the street. We had exchanged nods. His hands were always being used to hold on to an empty shopping cart.
 
The youngest of my two asked me, “Mom, what is that?” I sucked in my breath, wanting to scream, but said softly but audibly “That is a man.”

dreams of otherness

sometimes late at night I lie awake and push with my mind
against the fabric of the world around me hoping to find a connection
somewhere someone is looking for some one to talk to to hold to love
okay maybe not love but someone looking for intelligence
feeling that their world can’t be the only place
there must be a mind to find
behind the barriers
below the eye
out there

an experiment in thought i tell myself no point worrying
he/she/they will find me if they want to but why would they
other than the thought surely this is something that everybody does
then I start to drift thinking what was i thinking what was it
something good it something interesting and then
sleep descends and it is lost
not as lost as other
near sleep ideas

it wastes nothing to think about stuff and it occupies my brain
while I wait for sleep or friends from out there to take me away
it must be better than nothing and advanced peoples surely could
hear or feel or sense in some way my hunger for the beyond
it is never enough for me the here and now
keeps me hopping most of the time
day by day and night by night
moving forward in time
waking and sleeping
he/she/they are there
waiting for me

Bummed

May this be an inspiration for others who wonder if they should stop driving.

I think it’s time for me to give up being a driver. I’ve had too many accidents, and while the two worst were not my fault, I just think my attentiveness has diminished enough to affect my driving. It’s demoralizing, but I have to look hard at this. *sigh*

This because I had a fender bender today; I suspect I will losing my auto insurance, and of course there’s the ticket to pay. I am feeling very demoralized, but that’s not as bad as I would feel if I hurt someone while driving. I am not sure if my driver’s license will be suspended or not. It wouldn’t surprise me.

I don’t want to be one those little old ladies that doesn’t seem to know where she is or what she is doing. Right now I am feeling very low and like I’m not good for anything any more. I’ll work on that.

reparation

reparation

sifting through the miscellany
left of her former life
you know that person died
and i am left to tell this
trying to piece together
what it was before

no longer holding out
no restoration will occur
a total loss all in all

now I find a space left
in this shell where once she was
is it emptiness or opportunity
that looks to me
to be filled

holding to herself did not serve her well
no one trusts a silent guest
no one looked to help
she turned away and held
feeling all of it inside
her solution was to die

i am lifting my head and looking
around where i find myself
sorting through little remnants
is there a history to be written
is there an explanation
that can be found
in any of it

burn the memories each and every one
warm my hands and walk away
there is little so say of her now
but i am moving out and away
i will hold my head high
and get on with the business
of living after death

my twin soul made a tight fit anyway
now there is room
for growth

 

Louie Spooner Bucklin     copyright 2016

arrival

wilderness of my soul
arrived here to find nothing for me
but work and prayer
for peace

while gone you proceed
believing i am gone for good
thinking it all has been finished neatly
nightly counting the names
of those who fell behind
but i have not

gone ahead of you
i made a map of invisible ink
only love will show
how to go

loving myself as i once loved you
giving all i have in doubt and dreaming
arrived here with a plan
written in flames
clear

standing alone
i give me the prize for winning
i give me all the time i need
it is covering the cost
for waiting til now
to come home

gone so far you fade from view
i did not break the rules or the promises
left to die i fought for breath and will
now i stand in this empty place
puzzled and hopeful
hesitant

wilderness of my soul
drawn from pain and pressure
finished in time for peace
to come at last

My life as a moveable feast has just begun!