All posts by moustress

I'm a frightening truther.

It happened

Seeing someone get shot with a gun is traumatic. I was unfortunate enough to see people running down the sidewalk in the middle of a lovely summer day shooting at each other when the kids were all out playing on the block; I saw the same folks the next day as I was driving up to my house. A person in a car shot a person on the sidewalk. I pulled in to my parking space and sank down so I could not be seen, then crawled over to the passenger side and exited; trying to keep down.

I did call the police, and I had good descriptions of the car and the people, as they were the same ones form the day before. I knew where they lived, as did the cops. At least one person was sent to prison on a third offense charge that had a mandatory 10 yr. sentence.

As for myself and my children, I did not sleep for a couple of nights. My son was picked up in front of our home, but my daughter had to wait one long block away almost right across from the building where the criminal activity was centered. I kept her home for a couple of days. I could not bear to go out there with her to wait, and I was surely not going to send my child alone. I finally took a taxi to see my doctor; she gave me a prescription for sleeping pills, the first time I ever used anything like that.

The landlord for that apartment building lost his rental license. The building was closed; the tenants dispersed. Some of the folks on the block were grateful; the next year we had an accidental shooting involving young teens in a home across the alley from my house. The responsible adult was charged and sentenced to community service. Her service was given to establishing a block watch club and setting up a community garden in the middle of the block.

Those good things lasted a couple of years; the lot was sold after that and a new house put up. The woman who had established the block club really wasn’t community-minded, and that was the end of the block watch. I went back to being a vigilant parent who looked out for everybody on my side of the block.

There was a community meeting at one point where someone wanted to have me arrested for being vigilant. It was inconvenient to have someone out there who talked to their children more than they did. A couple of adults leaned out their second story windows at one point, after I was assaulted by a ten year old, yelling that someone ought to get rid of me, kill me…this kid that assaulted me almost got thrown down on the sidewalk; I managed to restrain myself. I spun around and grabbed him by the shoulders and told him never to do that to anybody again. He was as tall as I was but very skinny and his assault on me had a sexual component to it. Disgusting.

The cops were called; I think that was the main starter for the community meeting. I stayed home as I knew how this would go if I left the home unoccupied for those couple of hours. Sure enough, there were the kids left behind trying to get me to leave my property and come after them. It was sickening to see; I was not sorry to move away from there ten years later.

I didn’t let these things drive me from my home; I was a stay at home mom living with a limited income and I did the work, hard work, trying to keep my family safe.

Yes, I have been through the wars in my life. If I seem a little tough and salty, there are reasons for me to have behaved that way. I do not take well to being pushed around, much less attacked.

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Long time

It’s been a long time since I checked in here; someone new is following, for which I thank you! I can’t really say why I haven’t put anything  new up here in such a long time. I write stuff and forget about it. But then I have the fun of coming back here and seeing what I left, and seeing some of the other members stuff as well.

I started writing an autobiography a few months ago. That is slow going, as I digress and elaborate on things, as if I was writing poetry. I have covered the first 6 or seven years, for the most part.

My childhood was pretty weird because I had only one sane parent; the other one needed help and would not, could not ever do that. My father wanted to bring my brother to a shrink when he was about 10 and mother said, “That is just outlandish.” That was one of her favorite words. Outlandish.

Now, that might have made sense back in the border regions or Norway/Sweden, when her ancestors were working the land and going to intermittent war. Border Vikings is you call those guys. They got in the fight for whichever side they thought was going to win, that side would be the one that offered the best pay or reward of land. Wearing the wrong clothes could mean the difference between life and death for the men; enslavement for women and children. I learned early on that that our family was not a safe place to grow up in; hiding became both a game and a necessity.

Hiding in all senses of the word was the thing; never show vulnerability or uncertainty. Both were likely to lead to an extra ration of shit from one or more other family members. I did not stay with them any longer than I had to and moved far away after a few years. There were a bunch of people that I did not want to see or hear from once I was gone. Leaving has always been my way instead of fighting or struggling. It took me about a year away until I started to get a sense of who I could be.

This will be added to my other autobiographical writings.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

 

 

knowing

clearing the mind left nothing but light
yielding to the sigil of beneficial emptiness
i wait for Her to read me to the cosmos
am i anything but empty noise
am i ready for fitting to the tempo
of music that i have never heard
music i cannot even imagine
waiting with empty warmth and and light
here i place my hand here i lift my eyes
here i am filled with the satisfaction
knowing it is all completed in good time
everything will come when everything is gone
nothing can stop what the heart knows

 

Louie Spooner Bucklin       Copyright 2017

 

 

Good!

Those last two poems are not reflective of my current mood. They were written months ago. I am feeling better tonight than I have in quite awhile. I am on the brink of setting up to sell some flashy sequined balls I have been working on for a half a year. I started after finding materials left over from 1999 when I did them just as Christmas decorations.

I dragged them along when I visited friends last fall and was surprised to find that I enjoyed doing them even more than I had fifteen years ago. Later, friends commented on the fact that I might want to make some just as art objects. I had been trying to paint and draw, but my hand eye coordination is not so good because of a movement disorder that was the result of a head injury. The sequins are fixed to styrofoam with pins and I can move one if I need to change the placement.

So far I have done about forty five of them. I have about ten with me, most of which were made in the last couple of weeks. Today I bought fixative to keep the colors from rubbing off. Then I need to figure out how to get good pictures of them to post online. I am excited and pleased!

assumption

 

you tell the truth to me
is truth all fact or does truth lie
when it turns sideways and laughs
as if to say do you believe me
when i say i promise you that is right
you understand that when I say this happened this way
that i approach the truth take off a piece to carry with me
and pass it on to you when time seems right
factually nothing is the way it seems
dry and crumbled mixed with sweat and tears
cast in stone like a brick you build with
when you put it all together will it stand
is that how the truth is made
facts show the bumps and edges
lies in fact to trip over falling
our faces smashed like pulp
in the process
processed facts loose their value quickly
all flavor flies out the chimney
chasing the dreams dearly held
how has harmony been saved by this
thick coating of dust mixed with color
carried into the view vanity vivifies
faces thought dead
do not assume
anything

Louie Spooner Bucklin  copyright 2017

awakening

awakening

wearing injuries like medals and ribbons
wondering how this came to be my life
is there a place for wondering if my illness
consists of the failed attempt to exist
alongside ignorance and antipathy
i weep for the wasted hours and days
i scream for relief as the pain spreads and spreads
others go down like ducks in a barrel
and i scream again and again
lock me up then and keep me safely
away from ears and eyes and hands
sick with sympathy and downed by dread
shutter the windows of my soul
bar the doors that lead to light
close the agency of my anguished life
is it peace that i have found in
solitary confinement of my heart
or only another piece of pain

 

Louie Spooner Bucklin   copyright 2017

the safe place

in the dark  uncertain how to go
i turn my gaze inward and feel the motion
still in my bed i remember myself again and in my mind i rise
speeding through the universe in five or more directions at once
me in my mind the vehicle steps out  rising higher and higher
first the whirl of the first circle i feel the thin skin of life
that wraps the orb of earth

then the magical motion
this world passes around and around
the orb of our star

extending consciousness
i catch the magnificent race of our star
within the arm of the galaxy

exultant and excited
the wings of the galaxy fly
quickly passing my imagination
but i know i move
i believe

out and out
farther and farther until
the scale becomes almost more
than I can encompass
thought fails

my heart my mind my spirit
embraces the wholeness and sings
what is next who knows
a wall a door a window
open for me

i sing
within the framework
the universe the cosmos the totality
dreams come to tell me
this is the way

Louie Spooner Bucklin                           copyright 2017