The past few weeks have felt kind of okay in a flat, not really enjoying it a lot of the time kind of way. My ex has been on my mind. I don’t like having him living so close to me. He is a clear and present danger to me in so many ways.
Then, today, I am reading my FB stuff and I find a picture of him at a party, playing guitar and singing. I know it sounds completely awful, but I wanted to tell him what I have been doing for the whole almost three years since we parted. I have been waiting for one of us to die, and that cleared up into me waiting for him to die.
When I heard he was in bad shape, I wasn’t happy about it; I’m not a completely cold bitch. When I saw him stand and reach out for me, it freaked me out though I did not freak out in front of him and his friend. Seeing him playing guitar hit me hard because we were musical partners for 15 years. I worked very hard to sing and play up to his standards. He was always patronizing at best. He criticized me in front of groups we played for and when he asked to see my songs, I gave him my manuscripts, and he left them on his table in the living room, then they fell to the floor. He never opened the folder.
He wanted a lot from me, and I gave everything I had, in so many ways. I kind of wish I was dead again. But what I really want is to not have him anywhere in my life, and that means cutting myself off even further from the people we both know. It’s hard beyond my ability to communicate.
I wrote this for a couple of FB friends this evening:
I am feeling really depressed right now. For those of you who find I am too negative, I can only say that if you are not interested in what is going on, I don’t know why you have me as a friend here on FB or anywhere else for that matter.
All I have wanted the last few years was to feel accepted and safe. I’ve been through too much crap to want to be with people who try to control me. I had enough of that from my foo family and some persons in my adult life. If you tell me you don’t want to hear about my hurts and my struggles I will stay away from you.
I’ve tried not to be a blemish in people’s fair lives. I have left many places where I was told I was welcome but it turned out I was only being tolerated. I don’t know when, if ever, I will cease being depressed and anxious. These things are likely conditions I’ve had since childhood.
Most of the time I don’t mind being alone, as I am generally good company to myself. But other times I need to talk about the things that bother me, and being told I shouldn’t strikes me as cold. I don’t want to be told what to do or how to do it unless I ask.
Tonight is the first time I cried since the middle of November. That’s pretty good. Now I’m feeling really unhappy about a number of things that have happened today, last year, and a couple of years ago. I am not about to apologize for being who I am.
Maybe some day I will learn to be like this little poem I wrote when I was a young teen:
You cut the grass
It grows again
It never seems
To mind the pain
Someday I hope
It comes to pass
That I might be
Just like the grass
But, you know, that’s not really a thing to aspire to. Sometimes I think that being a vegetable might be a thing to think about. Some have wished me dead. I’ve tried so hard to build a life with meaning beyond pain. It seems that nobody wants to give me the time of day other than my therapist. I’m supposed to get better and not be a bummer.
I’ve lost almost everything I loved in the last few years. It hurts!
I lost my mind, I lost my physical health as well, and even doctors
have hurt me. I want to be able to trust people who say they are my friends. I ought to be able to trust my doctors.
What is left of my family I cannot rely on. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to roll up in a tight ball and disappear.
End of that.
I am going to bed early; I’ve been a little short on Z’s this last week, which hasn’t helped at all. I appreciate that some of you are reading the stuff I write. my poems have been put in a file, one of these days I’ll dig one up and put it here. I feel so tired out in so many ways.