It’s been a while since I posted here. I’ve been going through quiet changes in thinking about building a new life. The work proceeds slowly as I continue to cast off guilt, anger and remorse. Some things are too sticky to just cast off in an act of will. Someone called me and said they had read that my ex was in nursing home, sharing a room, and not getting hardly any visitors at all. For days I struggled with wanting to go see him, then I planted this thought: In his life he has done enough damage to enough people that maybe he doesn’t warrant any sympathy.
I’m not angry at him anymore but there’s still no way I’ll ever be happy with all the crap he did and said, but I refuse to celebrate his infirmity and I’d only make myself unhappy by trying to offer support and friendship to him now. I don’t even know if hes lucid enough to reap any benefit from a visit from me. The bottom line is that I can’t afford to freshen up wounds that are slowly healing. The harshest sentiment I have says that it is just ironic that the man who was obsessed with running away from me now has lost use of his legs. He had less than a month after the divorce until he fell.
I’ve always had a streak of prescience and it happened just like I had ‘seen’ it. Alone in that house in his room with everyone else gone, he fell over the clutter he always created in his living space, injured himself, and lay there for hours before he was found. Since then he has been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes. Sucks to be him.
I had hoped to be camping at this point in time, far away from TV and Internet. The news makes me cry. There are things I wish had not heard or seen. Why has it become so easy for people to shoot each other down with words or bullets? Incitement and then amplification in the media with the cycle increasing in speed and volume. Very scary stuff.