I am recovering my equilibrium right now. I was on the verge of a panic attack a little while ago, feeling nauseous and dizzy and I fought it off by playing guitar a little, crying a little, and now this; writing about it. Maybe y’alls heard enough about my troubles already and are sick of it. That can’t matter to me right now. I am still very much actively processing what happened and how it made me feel and how I feel today.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, don’t be quiet. Don’t wait for someone else to tell you that you need to report it, you need to get help. Others may see it as bullshit whiny stuff that they don’t need in their life. Fuck that and fuck everyone who points the finger at you for pointing the finger at their friend who did this to you. RISE UP and TELL a professional right away!
Right now I am on the downside of a rise in emotional distress. I don’t know what prompted me but I had a moment where I relived the first time my ex ever hit me. When it happened I was unable to even find a place for the feelings much less do anything about them at the time. He hit me so hard that I felt that he could have killed me with that one blow.
I remember being knocked to the floor, hitting the night stand and the dresser, and scrambling away like a crab until I ran into the closed bedroom door, and just sitting there, dazed and shocked. It may have taken me a minute or two to get up and open the door and go to James and tell him what happened.
I don’t understand why I didn’t call the police or go to the ER. I don’t understand why the psychiatrist he was seeing didn’t call the domestic abuse unit of the police when both of us saw him several days later and reported the incident. He was empowered; he should have been smarter than me. He could have helped me, even though I wasn’t his client. He had a duty to report it.
Even my ex would have been helped in some way; at least he would have been forced to get more help on some level. Later, when I got the records of that doctor’s visit, it was reported as an accidental blow to the head. He was supposed to be smarter than his patient, smarter than me…and he let us both down.