New Life

new life

locked up
he thought it was me who put him there
delusions that i was obsessed with making him a prisoner
or that i was kidnapping him
holding him hostage
i didn’t know until it was too late,
no changing the thoughts that recurred
so many months spent
futile efforts to get him to settle down
ended in utter catastrophe
broken promises
my home lost
my marriage over
while those who might have helped us
believed his delusions and would not help me

i couldn’t let go
adored him abjectly
in the end i finally struck him back
told him i hated him
never wanted to see him again
that he understood
pain being his first language

i spent my time trying not to kill myself
felt i had lost myself when i struck him
so many hours sitting at home
many hours in therapy
many hours reaching out to friends
I really thought i would die
never thought i could hurt that much
i tried so hard to love him
keep him safe and healthy
the delusions were unbeatable
and now he is physically disabled as well
for one obsessed with running away
sadly ironic
losing use of his legs

i suffered
lacerated from every quarter
i didn’t believe it would ever happen
but i struggled for a year
and found peace in the woods
strange to smile
wondering what is this
oh i’m happy
and glad he is not here

our friends tell me
that the man i married thirteen years ago
is dead
i believe it
i still struggled with loss and grief
not wanting to lose the love that we had shared
the music that was such
an important
part of bringing us together
now i am sad intermittently
while trying to find reasons to live

and as i was losing my house
the marriage lost
then i was diagnosed with a brain tumor
i wrote a song
to celebrate the exceptional thing
no one commented
it is a part of me
i have to live with it
it makes me a little mad
after all else was said and done
but that’s life
something will get me sooner and later

i try to carry on
relearning to love music
as i relearn to love myself
the treasure was lost
but the values i own
are mine and I will not flinch
from the hard tasks i am left to complete

this i promise myself
sacred to Goddess
life is to be treasured
my life will be good again
truth is to be embraced
and love cherished
even if only in memory

Louie Spooner Bucklin  copyright 2015


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